And this one just got me all excited….

hey, i dont wanna waste your time so ill get right to it. im not a creep, just a single college student. im looking for a cute girl to flirt with, trade photos maybe web chat and phone sex? Im a nice guy, but just a little lonely lol interested?

Pictures show a skinny white guy with glasses. Jackpot!

Today’s offer I couldn’t possibly refuse….

Hi there. You probably get approached by guys like me all the time. But that won’t stop me from trying.

The bad: I’m married, and not in an ‘open’ relationship. I’m not local to you

The good: Everything else. I;m in Manhattan until Sunday. I have an amazing room :). I’d like a date. I have photos available if you are at all curious. I’m well educated. Intelligent. Very well employed. Reasonably well traveled. Curious. Happy. Fun.

Interested? I’d love to hear from you.

Ah… this made my day…

Just received this message from a rotund dude, 25, who looks like he may live in a trailer and is 5’5″.

“Wow you are hot as hell. Is it bad that I want a girlfriend I can treat like a princess, and who will let me watch her with black dudes?”

Now how could I turn that down? 

Where I get lost, end up at Cheers but Woody Harrelson wasn’t there…

So I went out last night, into Manhattan, to meet up with Steve, the personal trainer with amazing tattoos. Steve was the one I totally forgot to meet up with last Monday.

I apologised profusely and he forgave me. I said the beers were on me and we’d arranged to meet at a bar in NoHo that was close to where he was working.

Normally I don’t agree to meet in the city on a weeknight because of the travel time etc and trying to get an early night to be awake for the baby. But I felt this time I owed Steve for standing him up.

I had to send him a quick email to say I was late (surprise, surprise) leaving home and would be there at half eight instead of quarter past. I got there just after nine.

There are two Broadway Stops. East Broadway is not Broadway-Lafayette, and if you get off at the former it will take you a good 25 mins to get to the latter.

Fuck.

I’m an idiot.

I arrived at this almost empty bar which was nothing like Cheers. Steve had gone. I sat and drank alone, wondering how my life had got to this. In my imagination in this sort of scenario I would make friends with all the other lonely losers and we’d have a gay old time. In reality the lonely losers looked like they might smell and stared at me as if they were imagining what I’d look like tied up.

I got lost on the way home too. I stopped in a Rite Aid and asked the way. Error. There is a reason these people work in Rite Aid. They have no idea what is going on in the world. 

I had to use the toilet in McDonalds so I stopped, had a cup of tea and read my book for a bit in the hope I would chill out, actually manage to read my map (yes, I had a map) and my feet would stop hurting.

Finally back in the right neighbourhood (why did I ever leave Brooklyn?) I went again into Rite Aid (never learn a lesson) and bought a pair of $10 gel insoles for my boots.

What a fantastic night. $30 lighter and nothing to show for it. Well, 1 pair of insoles.

I emailed Steve to let him know what had happened. I think we both agreed that maybe we should just leave it at that. 

It’s a times like this that I really rely on my ‘everything happens for a reason motto’. Maybe Steve would have killed me and actually my fairy godmother was looking out for me? Bollocks- basically I got stood up.

Sex Drawer. Massive Dildo.

Ooh, forgot to tell you about the sex drawer at Dave’s.

 

I think I may have mentioned it before but as I was getting up this morning the old sex drawer was open again I first spotted it when Dave opened it to get a condom out and had a very quick peak. This time I thought I’d have a bit of a rummage.

A strap on, LOADS of lube, wrist ties, ankle cuffs, a butt plug, loads of condoms and a massive dildo.

This and the fact his ex was a burlesque dancer is just slightly intimidating… but not really. I’m old enough now to know what I like and what I’ll say no to. The strap on looked all a bit much for me…..

Unexpected Sex Alert!

Last night I headed over to Spanish Dave’s (not Spanish but anyhoo…). We have been hanging out since I got back but just as friends. I mean this has been totally unspoken but he hadn’t tried anything and I sort of got the idea that he might have been seeing someone.

I went over to collect some stuff I’d stored at his but we ended up watching episodes of Bob’s Burgers lying on his bed. Dave’s apartment constantly looks like a bomb has been dropped, and I itch to start cleaning up every time I go round, but yesterday he’d done some laundry and a bit of tidying up. I could actually see some of the floor in his bedroom and the sheets smelt lovely and clean.

I had an inkling that Dave was feeling a little frisky as he isn’t well known for linen laundering- not that he is dirty as such- just a bit of a boy (36yrs old) His apartment is littered with computer games, books and magazines. I’m gagging to order a whole storage solution unity thing from Ikea and organise all that shit.

Anyway we went out for a burger, the direct result of watching Bob’s Burgers, and had a cool evening just chatting and wandering about. By the time we came back to his it was pretty obvious I was staying. It’s weird because we’ve already slept together several times but I felt nervous, at the same time as feeling totally comfortable.

We watched some more Bob’s Burgers and then listened to Pearl Jam on Pandora. It was as if we’d been together for years. Especially in the way I used his toothbrush and we both just stripped off and climbed into bed. We had sex to Led Zeppelin- ordinarily one of my dream scenarios but I did feel a bit rushed- Dave is good but a little rough.

That said, with the exception of the filthy hallway, I really have been through a bit of a drought so my god did I feel better afterwards. It’s weird how you can forget how good sex is for a while whilst you’re wandering around eating cake and drinking tea a lot. Dave has been doing loads of martial arts training so his arms and legs are like rock (as was his cock). Sorry, I had to do that. It rhymed, and it’s true. He’s got a bit of a tummy on him but that sort of thing never really bothers me. I felt a lot better than when we last slept together and I felt really out of shape. Not saying I’m rock but I’m a lot less jelly.

He just likes to bite a bit and is a fan of pushing my legs behind my ears. Even with the yoga and pilates I’m still not the most flexible. He doesn’t do sandpaper but he does jump in too fast. Why such a rush boys? The longer you wait generally the better it is for us girls. I don’t know is it just me? I don’t think so- it’s a complaint I’ve heard a few times. A quick nipple tweak, a couple of bites and then hand straight down the pants. Sometimes I don’t even have time to enjoy any of it before I’ve be numbed by rough hands.

But I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, just that there could be some improvements.

Spanish D got up at 7am to go to some martial arts thing that involved pads and stuff. He said he could say ‘screw it to the class and stay home and screw you a few more times instead’. I don’t think my answer of ‘does that mean I have to be awake?’ was very enthusiastic. I’m just not a morning sex person unless it involves me just lying there, bonus if I can keep my eyes closed too.

I think I may have given SD the wrong impression as he texted after he left to ask whether I’d had a good time- I replied to say of course, and that I love hanging out with him- which is true but I feel that a chat about what is going on is on the way. Friends with benefits? Cool. 

 

Sexy Scooter Man… but will he call?

This Sunday I went on a date with S- the sexy scooter man.

Saturday afternoon had been spent at The Essex’s and was a boozy affair. I hadn’t seen them since I’d left in September so it was a good catch up. The Lovebirds came and the babies all got to meet which was adorable but then the wine drinking started in earnest. I, as usual, was pissed after the first glass and can remember drinking some hideous Campari based cocktail whilst scoffing pizza before beingbundles into a cab home around midnight.

So of course I was utterly hung over and sweating during this date. Not my best look.

SSM is 38, of Polish heritage and a lawyer. He also had a scooter which I would have ripped the piss out of had this been England but it’s actually a very good choice for NY. It was pretty powerful and it didn’t escape my notice that I was getting onto a scooter wearing a badly-fitting helmet with a complete stranger.

But after weeks of walking around it was cool fun, and it was a beautiful sunny day so we headed over to Red Hook, where you can look out across the water and see The Statue of Liberty. 

The only good thing about my hung over state was that I was concentrating more on trying not to fall asleep or be sick that I didn’t really have time to be nervous. I actually think he was a little bit nervous. I had some tea and then had caffeine induced verbal diarrhea where I went off on a rant about my Dad leaving my Mum etc. He was cool though, none of my waffling seemed to faze him at all.

We talked abut all sorts of things, I felt like I was keeping the conversation going more than him but he was apparently having trouble staying awake too as he’d had a big one on Friday and then had played basketball that morning.

Actually he told me a really funny story about getting stoned (something he does very rarely, so he says) before a concert and then pretty much blacking out the rest of the evening. Through friends and texts he found on his phone the next day he worked out that his ex-girlfriend of 6 months had arrived and he’d been so out of it he’d introduced himself to her and asked what her name was. I felt his pain.

He was very intelligent and funny but also quite quiet. Not that he didn’t talk lots but that he had a very laid back way of conversing. I can get very excitable and animated but he just seemed totally chilled out all the time. Something I think I like- or it could become a little annoying?

Our date lasted for seven and a half hours. We had lunch, walked around Red Hook, drove back to Cobble Hill, went to have a hot chocolate, went to the cinema and watched Hunger Games (I loved it, he wasn’t as impressed), got asked to leave the cinema as we were just discussing having a nap and whether they’d find us and then went for a drink. It was a very good day. I felt quite comfortable with him, we sort of linked arms during the film in a gay couple way, and I definitely found him attractive. He is tall (over 6ft) with a very athletic body. Far more football than rugby but I like that. He has a very manly look to him from being part Polish I think, light-haired and fair skinned but not pale. His features are big,particularly his nose and eyes, and I really liked his hands too.

He told me a couple of embarrassing stories about getting crabs from a hostel in Prague and being really drunk and sleeping in a doorway. He said that he had this thing of always blurting out really embarrassing stories about himself- which, as some of you will know, is soooo me. Like the time I crapped myself, felt utterly mortified but then told an entire table of strangers a few hours later…. I told him that story too. Oops.

It didn’t feel like seven hours, it just felt like a nice Sunday hang out.

In fact as he dropped me off at home he said ‘thanks for hanging out today’ which now I think about it is a little weird. We both said we’d had a lovely day and he lent forward to kiss me. Ok, here comes the only bad part. He kissed me with lips closed. Not a problem you’d think, for a first date at least, except it went on for ages and I sort of tried to change it into a more open mouthed kiss but it didn’t work and then I felt odd. So I went from Fernando, with his tongue right down my throat eating my face off to SSM giving me a  1950s movie kiss, but with less passion.

I mean is it possible that he spent all day with me but just didn’t fancy me enough to want to kiss me? Maybe he was worried about his breath? Maybe he doesn’t do kissing on first dates?

I’m going slightly crazy here chaps, and could do with your words of wisdom because I haven’t yet heard from him.

Ok, so it’s only Tuesday but that was a extraordinary first date. Surely he should have texted or something by now. He did seem really into it (me) and he didn’t seem like the kind of man to play games. SO WHERE THE EFF IS MY PHONE CALL?!

I’ve arranged some other dates so I don’t collapse and start crying if I don’t hear from him at all but please tell me he will call right???

 

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