The one I couldn’t help myself but reply to….

This message came in whilst I was away in Texas over the weekend. BTW- some hot men wandering around Austin.

This is from a guy with a very dull short profile, who is himself rather lacking in height and is wearing a hat in both his pictures. This spells bald to me. Not so bad eh? Maybe a little unimaginative with the words, not tall and minus hair, but please take a look at his opening message to me.

  • hey, you looking good;) wanna pound you really good..mmmm babyyy..lol
    ray

     

  • ME-
    May 17, 2012 – 5:49pm

    God, I can’t think of anything worse…..
  • RAY
    May 17, 2012 – 11:11pm

    Well, you would not say that if you know how good i fuck .. i ll make your pussy all creamy 😉 mmmmmm babyyyy lol… 9 inches cock here babe.. you probably dont like big cocks???
    For gawd’s sake Ray…. seriously?

And this one just got me all excited….

hey, i dont wanna waste your time so ill get right to it. im not a creep, just a single college student. im looking for a cute girl to flirt with, trade photos maybe web chat and phone sex? Im a nice guy, but just a little lonely lol interested?

Pictures show a skinny white guy with glasses. Jackpot!

Today’s offer I couldn’t possibly refuse….

Hi there. You probably get approached by guys like me all the time. But that won’t stop me from trying.

The bad: I’m married, and not in an ‘open’ relationship. I’m not local to you

The good: Everything else. I;m in Manhattan until Sunday. I have an amazing room :). I’d like a date. I have photos available if you are at all curious. I’m well educated. Intelligent. Very well employed. Reasonably well traveled. Curious. Happy. Fun.

Interested? I’d love to hear from you.

Ah… this made my day…

Just received this message from a rotund dude, 25, who looks like he may live in a trailer and is 5’5″.

“Wow you are hot as hell. Is it bad that I want a girlfriend I can treat like a princess, and who will let me watch her with black dudes?”

Now how could I turn that down? 

Where I get lost, end up at Cheers but Woody Harrelson wasn’t there…

So I went out last night, into Manhattan, to meet up with Steve, the personal trainer with amazing tattoos. Steve was the one I totally forgot to meet up with last Monday.

I apologised profusely and he forgave me. I said the beers were on me and we’d arranged to meet at a bar in NoHo that was close to where he was working.

Normally I don’t agree to meet in the city on a weeknight because of the travel time etc and trying to get an early night to be awake for the baby. But I felt this time I owed Steve for standing him up.

I had to send him a quick email to say I was late (surprise, surprise) leaving home and would be there at half eight instead of quarter past. I got there just after nine.

There are two Broadway Stops. East Broadway is not Broadway-Lafayette, and if you get off at the former it will take you a good 25 mins to get to the latter.

Fuck.

I’m an idiot.

I arrived at this almost empty bar which was nothing like Cheers. Steve had gone. I sat and drank alone, wondering how my life had got to this. In my imagination in this sort of scenario I would make friends with all the other lonely losers and we’d have a gay old time. In reality the lonely losers looked like they might smell and stared at me as if they were imagining what I’d look like tied up.

I got lost on the way home too. I stopped in a Rite Aid and asked the way. Error. There is a reason these people work in Rite Aid. They have no idea what is going on in the world. 

I had to use the toilet in McDonalds so I stopped, had a cup of tea and read my book for a bit in the hope I would chill out, actually manage to read my map (yes, I had a map) and my feet would stop hurting.

Finally back in the right neighbourhood (why did I ever leave Brooklyn?) I went again into Rite Aid (never learn a lesson) and bought a pair of $10 gel insoles for my boots.

What a fantastic night. $30 lighter and nothing to show for it. Well, 1 pair of insoles.

I emailed Steve to let him know what had happened. I think we both agreed that maybe we should just leave it at that. 

It’s a times like this that I really rely on my ‘everything happens for a reason motto’. Maybe Steve would have killed me and actually my fairy godmother was looking out for me? Bollocks- basically I got stood up.

Sex Drawer. Massive Dildo.

Ooh, forgot to tell you about the sex drawer at Dave’s.

 

I think I may have mentioned it before but as I was getting up this morning the old sex drawer was open again I first spotted it when Dave opened it to get a condom out and had a very quick peak. This time I thought I’d have a bit of a rummage.

A strap on, LOADS of lube, wrist ties, ankle cuffs, a butt plug, loads of condoms and a massive dildo.

This and the fact his ex was a burlesque dancer is just slightly intimidating… but not really. I’m old enough now to know what I like and what I’ll say no to. The strap on looked all a bit much for me…..

Unexpected Sex Alert!

Last night I headed over to Spanish Dave’s (not Spanish but anyhoo…). We have been hanging out since I got back but just as friends. I mean this has been totally unspoken but he hadn’t tried anything and I sort of got the idea that he might have been seeing someone.

I went over to collect some stuff I’d stored at his but we ended up watching episodes of Bob’s Burgers lying on his bed. Dave’s apartment constantly looks like a bomb has been dropped, and I itch to start cleaning up every time I go round, but yesterday he’d done some laundry and a bit of tidying up. I could actually see some of the floor in his bedroom and the sheets smelt lovely and clean.

I had an inkling that Dave was feeling a little frisky as he isn’t well known for linen laundering- not that he is dirty as such- just a bit of a boy (36yrs old) His apartment is littered with computer games, books and magazines. I’m gagging to order a whole storage solution unity thing from Ikea and organise all that shit.

Anyway we went out for a burger, the direct result of watching Bob’s Burgers, and had a cool evening just chatting and wandering about. By the time we came back to his it was pretty obvious I was staying. It’s weird because we’ve already slept together several times but I felt nervous, at the same time as feeling totally comfortable.

We watched some more Bob’s Burgers and then listened to Pearl Jam on Pandora. It was as if we’d been together for years. Especially in the way I used his toothbrush and we both just stripped off and climbed into bed. We had sex to Led Zeppelin- ordinarily one of my dream scenarios but I did feel a bit rushed- Dave is good but a little rough.

That said, with the exception of the filthy hallway, I really have been through a bit of a drought so my god did I feel better afterwards. It’s weird how you can forget how good sex is for a while whilst you’re wandering around eating cake and drinking tea a lot. Dave has been doing loads of martial arts training so his arms and legs are like rock (as was his cock). Sorry, I had to do that. It rhymed, and it’s true. He’s got a bit of a tummy on him but that sort of thing never really bothers me. I felt a lot better than when we last slept together and I felt really out of shape. Not saying I’m rock but I’m a lot less jelly.

He just likes to bite a bit and is a fan of pushing my legs behind my ears. Even with the yoga and pilates I’m still not the most flexible. He doesn’t do sandpaper but he does jump in too fast. Why such a rush boys? The longer you wait generally the better it is for us girls. I don’t know is it just me? I don’t think so- it’s a complaint I’ve heard a few times. A quick nipple tweak, a couple of bites and then hand straight down the pants. Sometimes I don’t even have time to enjoy any of it before I’ve be numbed by rough hands.

But I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, just that there could be some improvements.

Spanish D got up at 7am to go to some martial arts thing that involved pads and stuff. He said he could say ‘screw it to the class and stay home and screw you a few more times instead’. I don’t think my answer of ‘does that mean I have to be awake?’ was very enthusiastic. I’m just not a morning sex person unless it involves me just lying there, bonus if I can keep my eyes closed too.

I think I may have given SD the wrong impression as he texted after he left to ask whether I’d had a good time- I replied to say of course, and that I love hanging out with him- which is true but I feel that a chat about what is going on is on the way. Friends with benefits? Cool. 

 

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