Husband Watch hits London Dec 2011

So as Husband Watch hit London I joined yet another dating website. This was after I figured out the one I’d signed up to in America largely catered for the S&M and polygamous men in England. I was asked to put tights over my arms and head, whether I would be interested in moving in with a guy and his two ‘wives’ and if I was submissive all in one day. Not really my bag. Ball bag.

So I joined the largest free dating website which interestingly also has the largest collection of knobs out there. My profiles are always on the lighter side of things, a bit tongue in cheek, maybe a bit silly. This is really just to discourage men with no sense of humour, who take themselves too seriously or who can’t read (I like to make them pretty long too- it’s a challenge).

Apparently this just gets some men really mad. I had so many emails just pointing out things people didn’t like in my profile. But then I also had nearly as many from men saying they found it amusing and refreshing….. Well I got a few anyway.

I really started to feel at this time that it could be time to pay to join a bonafide dating website. So I signed up for Guardian Soulmates, had a quick look and decided that it just didn’t seem worth the forty quid or so they were asking each month. Surely a bloke is a bloke? I wasn’t convinced ‘The Guardian Man’ was any better than the ‘Plenty of Fish Man’ but after some further consideration I believe it was this decision that was really my downfall.

As with the website I’d joined in my first summer in New York to begin with I was inundated with literally hundreds of messages. All from weirdos of course. Without sounding like a total bitch/snob/snobby bitch they all seemed like ‘the scum of the earth’ as my Grandmother used to say. The majority of replies were from men who looked a bit like Sloth from the Goonies or one of the Chuckle Brothers, and not the good looking one either. It also seemed that they had all been to the same charm school, the messages were either a very short ‘Hi’ or a long, badly spelt, witter about my smile etc etc.

It was very time consuming working my way through such crap and I almost gave up on my mission but then I found a couple of blokes who didn’t seem too bad. So I messaged them, throwing in some witty remark and a mention of some part of their profile that had interested me. I thought long and hard about these messages and send them with all good intentions. And 9 out of 10 times I got no reply. Was I punching above my weight the same as the 50 year old guys who messaged me? Did you see I did a Carrie Bradshaw there?

Disheartened and lonely I sat crying into my weak tea watching Jeremy Kyle for a few days and then got mad. I actually contacted a couple of the men I’d messaged to ask why they hadn’t replied. Like a crazy psycho lady with big hair. Some people actually replied as I’d dressed my accusations up in a funny-I’m-totally-not-bothered way. The reasons varied from ‘I’ve just met someone’ to ‘I found your profile difficult to get through’. Fair-dos I thought, and feeling better about myself I set to work again.

It really isn’t as arduous as I’m making it sound, I actually really enjoy trawling through all the profiles, it satisfies my very nosy side.

LSS (long story short) I went out on three dates.

 

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