Full mail box- all kinds of crazy….

So all sorts has been going on. So much so that I really haven’t had time to scratch my arse- let alone tell long waffling tales of my quest for a love life. But I’m back on it now, mainly because my mailbox is now totally full on the dating website- let’s call it ‘NoThanksStupid’ and I have to work my way through some of these responses.

#8 FreakMagnet – his name, not mine.

Big Prince fan- we had an email conversation about all things Prince that lasted a couple of days. I don’t really know why it just fizzled out. It seemed that he was trying too hard to be funny and I didn’t find him particularly attractive, umm not really any point then, eh? I think the final point came when he explained that if there was ever a weirdo in a bar they’d find him. A date doesn’t sound too great with you mate….

#9 Hot- (I think ) Actor

The first thing that struck me about this guy was that he classed himself as Middle Eastern, Black, Indian, White and Other. He certainly looks pretty exotic and maybe a little short?? He says that he is 6ft 1″ but then has a lot of photos of himself with friends who must all be giants…. Also lots of his pictures include him with very pretty girls but in half of them he looks gorgeous and in others…. not so good. There was talk of a picnic and sharing a bottle of wine in the park and we had some great email banter (some of it a bit saucy) and then again it just died out. But there’s more to come from Hot Actor dude….

#10 selflesslvr 38

If the mullet plus the name wasn’t enough to put me off…..this was his opening message

Hi I want to know you and what makes you smile. How about a new person in your life? some good conversation a few laughs.. feel special… just shoot me a hello… lets talk John

Just reading this and looking at his picture conjured up all sorts of terrible images in my head. I can imagine he is a licker. The kind that just wants to cover your entire body in his saliva. I don’t feel special John, not at all, I feel sick.

This was his closing paragraph- ‘Why you should message me’

Your looking for a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who lets you know what he’s doing, and wants to do, who wants to know what you like, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… If you want the guy who kisses your forehead and lets you know you are special to him, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tank top, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, “thats her”…. If this is what type of guy your looking for i may just be the one for you!

Poor John- stuck in some 80’s film….

#11 CleeseFan- the one that got away.

This guy was funny- and in most pictures pretty good looking. Except there was this one picture that showed he had very little hair- and what he did have was fluffy. But I liked the banter. It was my fault as all hell broke loose at home and I strangely didn’t feel like dating anyone anymore….

Our correspondence.

Cleesefan- What is your book about? Fiction or non-fiction? If it is reference book about “silly American words,” what do you consider to be the silliest? I would nominate “peccadilloes,” but I expect we got that from the Italians. We usually do. 
And how do you defend British words/pronunciations like “wellies,” “sikth,” and “loo” (which, coincidentally, is the name of a a gay law firm down the street from where I work)? 
I find it interesting that you have worked as a chambermaid. I have never met a time-traveler (knowingly) and have always been curious about daily life in the 16th century.


2.mainly non fiction
4.wellies are Wellington boots, we simply shortened it- nothing silly there.
5.?? what on earth do you mean? what would be the correct pronunciation?
6.fair do’s
7.ha ha ha ha ha. HA

Cleesefan- 1. Okay what do British people mean when they say cock? You cannot be writing a book about cock. Perhaps a leaflet, but not a book. Unless cock is some sort of salty condiment British people slather upon spotted dick. 
2. Hm. I like nonfiction. I’d even read a book about cock, but I wouldn’t buy it. At least not in a proper shop out in public. I wouldn’t want people thinking I like British food. 
3. I grant you arugula does sound silly. But we decided to put the word “rocket” to better use, I think you’ll agree. Strikes me now that “rocket” can also be used as a synonym for cock. 
4. I know that wellies is short for Wellington boots. But boots is even shorter than wellies. 
5. The correct pronunciation for 6th is “siksth.” Sikth is what someone with a speech impediment thinks a dreadful Star Wars prequel was about. This is important to know if you want to live here. 
6. ??? What the heck is a fair do? Are you talking about cock again? 
7. Whether your laughter were sarcastic or genuine, I’m glad you eventually laughed.


I’m still laughing (see profile)

Cleesefan- I have. Twice. Well, *thrice*–I think British people say that word a lot, or used to back in the days of chambermaids–but don’t want to come off like a stalker.


Thrice. I use it every single day without fail. Thrice. Twice today.

1.Cock means cock surely. My book is about travelling and adventures of the sexual kind.
2.It’s fiction of the non fiction sort. I’ve changed the names.
3.It’s going in the book.
4.Boots mean so much. Wellies mean Wellingtons.
5.We are correct. This is important to know if you want to live.
6.Fair enough. Not cock related.
7.Laughter was genuine. Had a message from someone yesterday who said ‘I’m funny, let me show you around.’ From his profile there is absolutely nothing funny about this man. Except maybe that he showers twice a week and still thought I’d like to hang out with him.

Cleesefan- Showers twice a week? Not even thrice? Was he French? Or from Hackney? 
If you use Number 3, then I get a percentage of your royalties. 
If you think I’m funny and that’s a prerequisite for showing you around, then I can be free sometime this weekend (or week-end, if you prefer). I promise not to show you my arugula. 
Of course, we would have to avoid any streets and avenues with a 6 in them or there will be trouble.


Don’t try to pass him off to another continent. He was 100% U.S.A
You’ll be a millionaire. This book is going to be huge. Not literally. Or no-one would buy it.
Although I have a burning desire to see your’s and everyone else’s arugula I have a children’s bday party on Sat and a family (not mine) BBQ on Sun and I’m not yet sure of the times.
I am free Thurs and Fri nights and could poss be free Sat night and Sun daytime.
Am I making this more complicated than is necessary?

Cleesefan- I really hope there is no arugula at this children’s birthday party. You might just get deported before you even dry off from your swim. 
Sat and Sun daytimes would be fine, and all the better to point out street signs, given all the sunlight that’s usually present during the first half of the day. Friday night would also be possible. 
What part of NYC are you most eager to explore? Geographically, I mean, not anatomically… 

Yeah- I know. I liked him. Great banter. But here was where I lost the plot and never got back to him. He no longer has an account on the dating site. Ah- you win some you lose some- there was always the weird hair to consider…

#12- Joe. Bad blazer profile pic.

Hi I’m Joe, Superhero by day NYC tour guide by night plus I love a nice English accent 😉

Checked the profile. Dull, earnest. Talked about kissing a lot. *shudder*

#13- Yaron. Artist 39

Very intense profile and very odd art work. Do I want to get to know him better? Pass.

#14- JoeCool.

Terrible spelling. All photos taken of himself whilst lying on his bed. He sent me a couple of smiley faces which apparently meant ‘your cute’ (his spelling). I politely mentioned the pictures -which clearly hit a nerve. He went on a rant about how at least they actually looked like him and to wait until I’d met a few guys off the site, then I’d see that most of them were lying about themselves and I’d want to run away. Well, good work Joe. I’m running now.

#15- Bilal.

Photo taken of him at work in a mobile phone shop. Either good looking or a bit terroristy- can’t really tell. Wanted to know if I was up for a picnic in the park. I didn’t reply. Is that bad?

#16- JCMac

Funnyish opening message but didn’t find him attractive at all from the photos. Also felt like he was trying too hard to be funny- as if after a few drinks he’d break down into tears about how terrible life really was.

#17- BKRoyale.

His opening message.

So what made you move across the pond?

Across the pond? Oh twit off.

I read the start of his profile that said ‘sorry if I’ve only sent you a really short message but the majority of messages on this site get ignored so I don’t want to make too much effort.’

Good job too because I’m going to ignore you.

#18- Steve 47

Interesting genuine New Yorker with great tattoos. But worried by the fact he is dressed like a teenager in some photos and a bit middle aged Marks and Sparks in the others. We emailed back and forth a few times but no real spark- also now he is seeing someone but still on the website…. What is that all about?

# 19- NYLamb. Chinese 5’6″

Nice enough guy but just didn’t do anything for me.

#20-TV dude.

Works in TV- has worked on Spooks as he lived in London for a couple of years. Didn’t message him back at the time as I was busy/freaking out about my parents/lazy. But I might message him now- seems interesting.

Right- more later and I’ll tell all of the weekend just gone. Friday night date was a cracker!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Beccca
    Sep 05, 2011 @ 14:58:22

    Loved this post, utterly brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Gutted about Cleese fan , I want to date him!!!


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