Ho for holiday…..

I don’t know what number Jonny is but we had been exchanging emails for a while. He was one of the first men to contact me through the site and I remember not being 100% attracted to his photos but there was definitely something about him. A cocky, self assuredness, which should really ring ear splitting alarm bells in my head after all the disasters I have had with ‘confident’ blokes, but it’s hard to teach the old dog new tricks…

So we bantered back and forth for a while and arranged to meet. It seemed that he was pretty busy, work-wise (works in a hospital- not sure he’s a doctor but says he saves lives..) and we kept missing each other. I gave him my number to text if he was free over the weekend and got an interesting response.

He had obviously been up all night working and I was just sitting down over a cup of tea. There was talk of tying me up in his white lab coat. I was just about to start my day looking after two brothers, 8 and 6,  that constantly fought. It was a stilted kind of conversation. Texting between strangers invariably goes wrong- as you have no idea what’s a joke and what isn’t, unless you resort to LOL- and I wasn’t about to do that. There was talk of wanking(on his side) and I think the conversation just petered out. Bringing sex into it so early on just spells desperation to me. But then we all have our desperate moments….

So a week or so ago I went out for a glass ‘o’ sangria with the bro- Mr Lovebird. He kindly popped over and helped put up some pictures for me, well he did it all really, and then I let him treat me to a drink. What a fantastic sister I am.

I’m a total lightweight these days and one glass went straight to my head, so when it was time for him to leave I was in party mode. On a Sunday night. When the majority of the (very few) people I do know here are either pregnant or working early. Was this a desperate moment? Who knows really- or if it was just in fact boredom but I texted Jonny to say ‘hi’. I thought he wouldn’t get back to me as I think I’d pretty much snubbed his text advances but he did.

To cut a long story short (far too late for that! I hear you cry) we ended up texting for the rest of the evening and one thing led to another and *blush* we had text sex. I know. Scandalous!

So we decided to meet up this week. For dinner- you with the filthy mind there! And he has messaged a couple of times to check I like sushi etc. So far he is making the effort, perhaps because he thinks it’s a done deal but I’ve said I’m not promising anything. These dating websites can be very misleading when the crafty bastards put pictures up of themselves 10 yrs ago.

So here was I awaiting an actual date and time (as he works outside NYC) and I received the following text.

Jonny- Too bad you don’t know if you’d sleep with me…I need someone to take to St Croix

Me- Um I have no idea what that is… should I?

Jonny- It’s the US Virgin Islands…. next to the BRITISH Virgin Islands….in the Carribean.

Me- The Virgin Islands eh? Surely the perfect place for a pure young English lady?

Jonny- Look it up. I’m coming there soon, I expect you to be knowledgeable..

Me- Ok. Will do. I just also looked you up on (insert dating website name) to check out your credentials once more, only to find you’re not on the site anymore. What does this mean? 

(I’m slightly worried at this point. I’m going to meet a man that I can’t even remember what he looks like)

Jonny- I’ll go back on…I was just taking a ‘break’.

Me- Oh Ok. Not recently engaged, married or arrested for being a sexual deviant?

Jonny- Noooo and no kids

Me- So anyhoo- what do you mean? You’re off on ‘vacation’ and need someone to carry your ‘luggage’

Jonny- Yes… something like that.

Me- Ah well if you’re paying I’m game. Not sure how many condoms could swallow but I’d give it a go for a free holiday.

Now I think my meaning here is pretty clear? It’s a joke right? About drug mules?Right

Jonny- You just might have to swallow what is normally put into them.

Me- (Genuine disgust here) Now did you have to go there? And what you are basically saying is that you need a ho for holidays?

Jonny- Well…no…I’d treat you with respect.

Me- Oh. Are you being serious? I thought this was a cunning plan to make me agree to a televised orgy after dinner or something.

Jonny- No. I’m actually dead serious…

Me- So when are you off?

Jonny- Depends. I’m pretty flexible.

Me- Well how about you interview me for your potential holiday buddy/BUDDY over dinner? I’ll bring my resume and refs.

Jonny- Sounds like a good plan.

So the upshot is that after dinner at some point this week I could possibly be arranging to go to the Carribean (pronounce CAA RIB beeanne over here) with an almost stranger. Yes- I’m aware how mental this all sounds but you never know- it’s about time I met someone who wants to take me to a Carribean island instead of the local pub.

I’ll keep you chaps posted eh?

 

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