Internut.

Hello there…..So on with my tales of Husbandwatch.

My dating profile seemed relatively straightforward – I like adventures and reading and music and all that jazz. I think I made it pretty clear what sort of lady I am and what I’m hoping to get out of displaying myself for all to see on the world wide interweb. I am looking for new friends, fun and possibly a HUSBAND.

Maybe I am too vague? Or too open? Or something in my face reads ‘I love a nutter- come stalk me’ Whatever I have tried to say I’m not sure it’s coming across quite right. Either that or most men can’t read ‘please don’t contact me if you are under 5 foot, have criminal convictions, LOL a lot, !!!! or could possibly be described as hideous.’

So. Guy #1. My first message! How very exciting. He was obviously treating this as an interview.

“Hi, 

I liked your profile, you sound really, warm, sincere, and genuine. 
Plus you have really nice eyes and a great smile. =) 
I’m 36, (spiritual but not religious) MBA educated, 5’7″ slender to average build.I’m well read, and fun to be around. 
I’m polished, refined, cultured, educated, well traveled, mature, with a great sense of humor. 
I’m low maintenance, not pretentious, not full of myself – easy to get 
along with, full of life, energy, and passion. 
I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better. =) 

Mike “

At this point I had hardly filled out my profile and nothing I’d written could ever be described as ‘warm’.

His profile picture is of a bald headed man, wearing very dark glasses, with chapped lips, doing a very good serial killer impression. Other photos are clearly out of a catalogue -as no head is shown and some jumper over shoulder poses are going on. There is one genuine photo of  ‘Mike’ apparently ‘relaxing on holiday’ in some beige shorts, with polo shirt tucked in and bad white trainers, still sporting the very dark glasses -looking for all the world as if he’s just shat himself and is very tense. Possibly just killed and looking for a new victim?

My favourite part of the profile?

“You are at a point in your life where you want “normal”. You want normal over dysfunctional.
You crave normalcy at this point in your everyday life with a solid basis of friendship, romance, spontaneity, and passion.”

NO THANKS.

Guy #2- richdalich

“Hi. I just wanted to reach out and say hi. I’m 6’4” tall, Puerto Rican, and very,very affectionate. Your very beautiful and your smile is amazing. 😉 If interested please take a look at my profile. I can honestly say that I’m a great guy who can make you smile everyday and bring lots of happiness to your life. 
Sincerely 
Rich “

41, spiky grey hair, slightly overweight- 3 LOLs in profile. The nail in the coffin was in the ‘things you are good at column’

“Identifying Body Language, cooking, making you feel at ease, conversations and kissing.”

Hey Rich, can you identify what this cringe means?

Guy #3 From LA- working for a charity type thing.

Just a friendly welcome message and an invite to check out his favourite places in New York. I thought he sounded quite nice from his profile but he was my height and one of the pictures was him sporting an almost Dali-like moustache. The section on why I should contact him read….

“You dream and have faith that this is a great universe just waiting to be experienced even though there are many hard situations.”

Ummmmmm. No.

Guy #4 NYFunk- apparently…

His self summary

“I am,
Caring
Loving
Non Judgmental
Opinionated
Well read
Classy
Funny
Creative
Intelligent
Athletic
Romantic
Passionate
Sweet
Outdoorsie
Nerd”

Message just read ‘Hi, how are you?‘ Distinct lack of effort and had a fanny beard.

Nope.

Guy #5. Dan.

The first person I contacted. Dark 30- sort of handsome. Profile sounded interesting. A couple of emails later and he talked about meeting up. I replied to say great but I wasn’t a big drinker- so how about coffee? (I don’t actually drink coffee but it felt all New Yorky to say that.)

No reply. My first rejection. Ouch…. Over it.

Guy #6. Rick

His message simply asked where I lived. Alarm bells.

I checked his profile, under ‘what are you doing with your life’ he wrote- “Trying to be the best man i can be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and busting my asss for the man !!”

17 exclamation marks = No.

Guy #7. Funny Craig

“Hi

I do love a British accent. Yes really. I am funny. My goal is to make people laugh. And yes I would love to show you new York as I know it like the back of my hand. As I look at my palm. I hope to hear back from you.

Craig”

Craig isn’t funny. Craig also admits to showering ‘a couple of times a week’, looking for a Jewish girl and not wishing to ever leave the country. This dating website has a scoring system and we came up as 35% enemies. Nuff said.

Only another 293 to get through…..

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